Starting over sounds exciting when it belongs to someone else. We hear phrases like “fresh start” and “new chapter” and they sound hopeful, almost romantic. Living through one is a little different. A fresh start means there was an ending first. It means there are things to pack, things to leave behind, routines that suddenly change and moments when I look around and wonder how I got here. I have spent much of my life being the person who handles things. I make the plan, solve the problem, take care of the people I love and keep moving. This time, though, I am learning that starting fresh is not just about handling the logistics. It is also about allowing myself to feel everything that comes with them.
Painting has always given me a place to work through things without having to explain them. When I put a blank canvas on the easel, I don’t have to know exactly what the finished painting will look like. I may have a reference. I may have a general idea. But once the paint starts moving, the painting develops a life of its own. Sometimes a mountain gets bigger than I intended. Sometimes a tree lands somewhere I didn’t plan. Sometimes the entire painting changes because of one brushstroke. I used to fight those moments. Now I am getting better at working with them.
Maybe that is what starting fresh really means. It doesn’t mean forgetting the picture I thought I was painting. It means accepting that the picture changed and realizing I still get to decide what comes next. There are things about my old life I will miss. There are things I am relieved to leave behind. Both can be true at the same time.
So I am starting fresh. Not from nothing…because I bring every lesson, every memory, every person I love, and every canvas I have painted with me. I am simply starting from here. And for now, here is enough.
