Starting Fresh

Starting over sounds exciting when it belongs to someone else. We hear phrases like “fresh start” and “new chapter” and they sound hopeful, almost romantic. Living through one is a little different. A fresh start means there was an ending first. It means there are things to pack, things to leave behind, routines that suddenly change and moments when I look around and wonder how I got here. I have spent much of my life being the person who handles things. I make the plan, solve the problem, take care of the people I love and keep moving. This time, though, I am learning that starting fresh is not just about handling the logistics. It is also about allowing myself to feel everything that comes with them.

Painting has always given me a place to work through things without having to explain them. When I put a blank canvas on the easel, I don’t have to know exactly what the finished painting will look like. I may have a reference. I may have a general idea. But once the paint starts moving, the painting develops a life of its own. Sometimes a mountain gets bigger than I intended. Sometimes a tree lands somewhere I didn’t plan. Sometimes the entire painting changes because of one brushstroke. I used to fight those moments. Now I am getting better at working with them.

Maybe that is what starting fresh really means. It doesn’t mean forgetting the picture I thought I was painting. It means accepting that the picture changed and realizing I still get to decide what comes next. There are things about my old life I will miss. There are things I am relieved to leave behind. Both can be true at the same time.

So I am starting fresh. Not from nothing…because I bring every lesson, every memory, every person I love, and every canvas I have painted with me. I am simply starting from here. And for now, here is enough.